Day 1

I don’t know why I’m calling it “Day 1”. It’s not day 1 of anything exceptional. It’s not the first day of the month…or even the first day of the week. (My week starts on Sunday.)

But, today I decided that I was tired of having to worry if my butt will fit. And I don’t mean clothes. I’m in a size 24 which is big no matter how you look at it. But, there ARE bigger sizes. So if my clothes get too tight, I can always go up a size. *cringe!* But, you know what doesn’t come in a bigger size? Seats. Seats at baseball stadiums, seats on roller coasters, seats at a concert, etc. etc. etc.

You people who are on the thinner side (read: size 20W & smaller) probably never even think about the size of the seat at the event you’re going to. You just buy your ticket & enjoy. I, however, have to decide if it’s worth the pain and/or embarrassment of even GOING to the event. I’m not even joking. Sitting in a seat that is several sizes smaller than your rear end is painful.

My first butt-bigger-than-seat experience was at an Atlanta Braves game. My In-Laws were with us and it was a beautiful mid-summer night. We had great lower-level seats close to the action! But I couldn’t sit down. I tried & tried, but my rear didn’t fit. It wouldn’t go between the armrests no matter how hard I tried. I ended up sitting kind of sideways & forward. This worked fine until the people sitting in front of us showed up. Then, there was no more room for me to sit like that. So, I sought out the usher. (Seating Attendant? Guide? What are they called anyway?) They graciously offered me a seat in the handicapped section. It was the perfect seat because there were no arms on it! Yeah!

But, since none of us was actually handicapped, they wouldn’t allow my family to sit with me. If I wanted to sit in the comfortable seat, I would have to do it alone. I still tear up when I think of that moment. (I’m a bit of a crybaby anyway…but this was a terrible moment for me.) But, I swallowed my pride & sat there. Alone. At least 10 rows away from anyone I knew. Trying to stay out of sight of my baby, who was just over a year old at the time. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t sit with Momma.

I know I cried at least once during that game. Knowing me, I cried the whole time. I can’t even tell you anything about the game because my world was collapsing around me. I was humiliated. I was alone. I was fat. And I had to fight hard to not run away. That’s all I really wanted to do…hide in a dark corner & cry my eyes out. But I couldn’t do that to my boys. They needed to see that I'm a strong Mom who doesn't bail out on them at the first sign of adversity.

Needless to say, I’ve never been to another Atlanta Braves game. I don’t know if I ever will. Even when (if) I lose this weight & have a not-as-huge butt. I’m scarred from that experience. The thought of even going near Turner field makes sweat bead up on my forehead & my heart beat faster. That’s fight-or-flight response, right? Something like that. I’m no psychologist, but I know fear. And, yes, I’m afraid. I freely admit it. It was a horrible experience that I never want to feel again. I wouldn’t wish that feeling on my worst enemy.

But....let's talk about today. Day 1. Monday, March 15, 2010. Today I worked out a little. When I say "little" I do mean little. I took the stairs (down) to go to lunch today. I work on the 9th floor & the cafeteria is on the 2nd floor. Exactly 149 stairs. Wow...it sounds impressive when I say 149 stairs doesn't it? No? At least it's more than I did last week. That's something right?

Incidentally, I ate a spinach salad with carrots, pineapple, grapes, a few sunflower seeds, about 1/2 a boiled egg and very little dressing. It was yummy too!

And I did part of a workout DVD tonight after dinner. It was only a 36 minute workout to begin with....I made it through 1/2 of it. But, that's more than I did yesterday, so I'm calling it a win. I have a WIN already!! Whoo Hoo!

So, the goal for this week is to do more than I did last week. Since I didn't do ANYTHING last week, I'm already ahead of the game. But, that's a cop-out isn't it? Okay....so the NEW goal for this week is to keep doing that workout DVD until I make it through the entire workout.

Wish me luck.
Lena

Random Journal Entries

I just found these entries from ages ago...

5/23/09 – CARSON’S BIRTHDAY!!!!!
Today was Carson’s 4th birthday party. On his actual birthday!!! The theme was Disney’s Cars and we took water balloons, water guns, balls, food, etc to Victor Ashe park in Knoxville. Yeah…the water theme had NOTHING to do with Cars, but it’s summer…what do you expect. And, since Carson wants a Cars-themed room, we figured that was the easiest way to get things for his room. Free is always good.

Anyway, it was a beautiful day and everyone we invited showed up. It was perfect! Until Carson got sick. Really sick. Out both ends sick. Gross me out sick! Will this ever end sick! So, Christian’s illness from Wednesday had finally gotten to another member of the family. Ugh!!!! I have some of the saddest looking pictures ever…I need to pull them off my camera.


5/24/09
Our visit to TN is over. Darren, Carson & I are headed home. I miss Christian already. I can’t believe he’s going to be gone 3 weeks! THREE WEEKS! The longest I’ve ever been without him is a week. Camp Good Spirit in 2007, our trip to Sandals in 2008 and when the boys stayed in TN during Spring Break this year. Each ONE WEEK. And, on each occasion, I missed him/them terribly about mid-week. What am I going to do this time??


5/25/09
I woke up sick this morning. Mom called from the road (they left at 8am this morning) and she and Daddy are sick too. I feel so guilty! I didn’t know Carson was sick. If I had known, I would have postponed his party. Good news is, he was better a few hours later. Bad news is, they’ve only been on the road a few hours & have already stopped 6 times for….um…..necessity. At this rate, they’ll never get to Missouri. (Their first planned stop.)

Mom called a couple hours later. They’re spending the night in Mount Vernon, IL instead. *fingers crossed* that nobody else gets sick. I tried to keep Carson away from everyone, but you never know how those little germy things travel.

Around 6pm…I’m finally feeling a little better. I ate some chicken noodle soup around 5 & it stayed down. Still not 100%, but getting there.

5/26/09
I feel great!!!! Thank God! Still a little weak, but no more nausea or the other.

Christian called this morning. They were at a Walmart (really? How surprising!!) buying an air conditioner for the back of the truck. Apparently the cooler-top fan Daddy bought for the back of the truck doesn’t work as well as advertised. That’s disappointing because it was a good idea in theory. He said Mom & Dad felt better. I’d like to hear that directly from Mom, but I’ll wait until later tonight so we can take advantage of her unlimited night minutes on the cell phone.

I Googled the trip and it said it would be over 29 hours one way. WOW….no wonder they’re taking 3 weeks to make the trip!

A NEW STOVE!!!!

I know with the economy being in the dumps like it is, I shouldn’t be proud of spending a large amount of money….but I’m SO HAPPY to have a new stove. First, a little background. My old stove came with the house. That means it was about 19 years old! The typical life span of a stove is about 10 years…so I think we did pretty darn well! We had the electronic pilot light replaced about 3 years ago. At the time, the repairman told us we’d be lucky to get another year out of it. I’m glad his estimation was off by a couple years because, seriously, we couldn’t have afforded it back then. Especially since we had to replace our fridge last May because the water line decided to bust (another 19 year old appliance!). But, that fridge now proudly sits in our garage holding drinks and whatever else. Without the water line connected, it still works great. Thank God for small miracles!!!!

Here's a pic of my new stove:

It has 5 burners and I’m madly in love with it. We bought it at a scratch and dent place for a really good price. Retail on it is $848…we paid $600. The funny thing is, the scratches & the one dent are on the sides. Yes. The sides. That means you can’t see them when it’s installed. I find it hilarious that we saved ~$250 because of imperfections that nobody can see. But, I’ll take it if it saves me money!

L

Nightmares with Wrapping

I finally wrapped all the Christmas gifts Friday night. I holed up in my room (door locked of course) at 8:33pm and finally finished at 11:48pm! OMG! That is no way to spend a Friday night!

The boys knew I was wrapping gifts, and my 9 year old only knocked once. He wanted a kiss before bed. Gladly. But in the one hour between starting wrapping and their 9:30 bedtime, the 3 year old knocked on the door no fewer than 5 times!!! That's right, I said FIVE. And before you think I'm a bad Mom for letting them stay up that late...it's their Friday night bedtime. We do this with the hope that they will sleep past 6:30am. But, alas, no luck with that yet. *whimper*

The first couple times he knocked, I ignored him & DH shooed him away. But, the third time he sounded like he would melt into the ground unless he saw me THAT INSTANT. So, I opened the door...and had to physically push him back out of my room. (He's stronger than he looks.) What is it about kids that as soon as you're out of sight or on the phone, they desperately need your full attention?? rhetorical.

Back to the point....I wrapped 25 gifts. I am still in shock. Of course, 10 of them are for out of state family and one was for the Cub Scout Christmas party, but that means my kids will be opening a total of 14 gifts Christmas morning! This doesn't include their stockings or the gifts Santa promised to bring them.

Here's the kicker...we economized this year. Our budget didn't allow for a "big" Christmas, but once I organized all their presents in preparation of wrapping, each boy had a lot of stuff!

This is thanks to DH being a talented, semi-pro shopper. Seriously girls, if you ever need a shopping buddy, he's your guy! Every time we shop, he'll help someone else find things to buy. I've told him a thousand times that he should give up landscaping and be a personal shopper. (If you're a millionaire & need a personal shopper, drop me a note. He really is that good.) *grin* So, amazingly, our budget wasn't busted & our boys will feel very blessed Christmas morning.

I want to take a moment to thank God for Scotch pop up tape & the Scotch Gift Wrap Cutter. No, I still can't cut a straight line, but at least I didn't cut a hole in the sheets this year. (yeah, that was last year.)

Oh, and to show everyone what a nerd I am. The gifts are wrapped according to recipient and location. Carson's are all in one type of paper, Christian's are in another (though I still put tags on them). And, everything going to my Mom's house is in yet another paper & to DH's family's house is in another. I love having so many different wrapping papers! My shopping king found them all last year after Christmas for nearly nothing! What a guy!!!!

L

Santa Claus is Watching You

Here's a potentially devastating thing that happened last night….

We were at Christian’s Cub Scout Pack meeting. They asked Darren to help Santa by dressing up as him to hand out gifts to all the Scouts. As he was leaving, Carson ran up to him & asked where his gift was. "Santa" told him he was planning to come to his house on the 24th after he was asleep, said a couple more things and went on. The whole time, Carson didn’t move or say anything else.

A couple minutes later, he looked at me and said, “Is Daddy Santa?”

This was NOT the kind of conversation I wanted to have with my 3 year old!

Note for the future….if Santa’s helper is unable to disguise his voice while talking to his 3 year old, PLEASE, P L E A S E don’t say anything except “ho ho ho”

Lena