Day 1

I don’t know why I’m calling it “Day 1”. It’s not day 1 of anything exceptional. It’s not the first day of the month…or even the first day of the week. (My week starts on Sunday.)

But, today I decided that I was tired of having to worry if my butt will fit. And I don’t mean clothes. I’m in a size 24 which is big no matter how you look at it. But, there ARE bigger sizes. So if my clothes get too tight, I can always go up a size. *cringe!* But, you know what doesn’t come in a bigger size? Seats. Seats at baseball stadiums, seats on roller coasters, seats at a concert, etc. etc. etc.

You people who are on the thinner side (read: size 20W & smaller) probably never even think about the size of the seat at the event you’re going to. You just buy your ticket & enjoy. I, however, have to decide if it’s worth the pain and/or embarrassment of even GOING to the event. I’m not even joking. Sitting in a seat that is several sizes smaller than your rear end is painful.

My first butt-bigger-than-seat experience was at an Atlanta Braves game. My In-Laws were with us and it was a beautiful mid-summer night. We had great lower-level seats close to the action! But I couldn’t sit down. I tried & tried, but my rear didn’t fit. It wouldn’t go between the armrests no matter how hard I tried. I ended up sitting kind of sideways & forward. This worked fine until the people sitting in front of us showed up. Then, there was no more room for me to sit like that. So, I sought out the usher. (Seating Attendant? Guide? What are they called anyway?) They graciously offered me a seat in the handicapped section. It was the perfect seat because there were no arms on it! Yeah!

But, since none of us was actually handicapped, they wouldn’t allow my family to sit with me. If I wanted to sit in the comfortable seat, I would have to do it alone. I still tear up when I think of that moment. (I’m a bit of a crybaby anyway…but this was a terrible moment for me.) But, I swallowed my pride & sat there. Alone. At least 10 rows away from anyone I knew. Trying to stay out of sight of my baby, who was just over a year old at the time. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t sit with Momma.

I know I cried at least once during that game. Knowing me, I cried the whole time. I can’t even tell you anything about the game because my world was collapsing around me. I was humiliated. I was alone. I was fat. And I had to fight hard to not run away. That’s all I really wanted to do…hide in a dark corner & cry my eyes out. But I couldn’t do that to my boys. They needed to see that I'm a strong Mom who doesn't bail out on them at the first sign of adversity.

Needless to say, I’ve never been to another Atlanta Braves game. I don’t know if I ever will. Even when (if) I lose this weight & have a not-as-huge butt. I’m scarred from that experience. The thought of even going near Turner field makes sweat bead up on my forehead & my heart beat faster. That’s fight-or-flight response, right? Something like that. I’m no psychologist, but I know fear. And, yes, I’m afraid. I freely admit it. It was a horrible experience that I never want to feel again. I wouldn’t wish that feeling on my worst enemy.

But....let's talk about today. Day 1. Monday, March 15, 2010. Today I worked out a little. When I say "little" I do mean little. I took the stairs (down) to go to lunch today. I work on the 9th floor & the cafeteria is on the 2nd floor. Exactly 149 stairs. Wow...it sounds impressive when I say 149 stairs doesn't it? No? At least it's more than I did last week. That's something right?

Incidentally, I ate a spinach salad with carrots, pineapple, grapes, a few sunflower seeds, about 1/2 a boiled egg and very little dressing. It was yummy too!

And I did part of a workout DVD tonight after dinner. It was only a 36 minute workout to begin with....I made it through 1/2 of it. But, that's more than I did yesterday, so I'm calling it a win. I have a WIN already!! Whoo Hoo!

So, the goal for this week is to do more than I did last week. Since I didn't do ANYTHING last week, I'm already ahead of the game. But, that's a cop-out isn't it? Okay....so the NEW goal for this week is to keep doing that workout DVD until I make it through the entire workout.

Wish me luck.
Lena